Fire your mentor and hire a Sponsor. Happy International Women's Day!
Years back, I read a Harvard Business Review article that suggests that if you want to advance in your career, forget about a mentor and get a sponsor. Then I read the book, which was abbreviated in the Harvard article. The book is titled "Forget a Mentor, Find a Sponsor: The New Way to Fast-Track Your Career" by Sylvia Ann Hewlett. The author suggests that mentors are as wonderful and important as they are overrated; go for a sponsor. I don’t like either of the phrases because I thought at the time they came with "unrealistic" responsibilities and may just be semantics. I have reservations about mentors because it triggers trauma for me (selah). Also, I hesitated about the word sponsor because of its negative connotation in Nigeria. Sponsorship has been misused and mislabelled with godfatherism and bastardized ideas of "structure" and even sexual transaction relationships that are offered in exchange for a lavish lifestyle in Nigeria.
In another collection of HBR articles, 10 Must Reads, Advancing Your Career, there was another article titled "Why Men Still Get More Promotions Than Women" by Hermia Ibarra, Nancy M. Carter, and Christine Silva. The authors suggested that women are behind because they are over-mentored but under-sponsored. The authors posit that the same gender arrangement that shapes everyday life outside of formal relations impacts women's careers and mobility. Men negotiate their advancement with their mentors; they ask for opportunity rather than waiting for it to be handed over to them, and they seldom consider their inadequacy or competence when talking about advancement. They believe they can learn on the job; women want to be overprepared because they fear the repercussions of not getting it right and self-doubt. Women didn't negotiate a raise because they don't want to be seen as materialistic. We don't take advantage of perks and opportunities.
In the last half a decade, going through the worst personal and professional pain that I have no words to articulate, I know these are not semantics. I have been thinking more closely about the two terms, mentor and sponsor, and what difference these have made in these years.
It is needless to wade through the swamps of examples or definitions to say what a mentor or sponsor is. If you are an immigrant, you know what getting a sponsor means; it is an individual or institution that puts all social and other forms of capital behind you to see you achieve a goal.
Without creating another dilemma of definition, perhaps the characteristic of sponsors and mentors is that they are willing to take a risk on you. Nurture and prod your ideas and vision appropriately. Sponsors don't think for you, which means to outsource your thinking and strategy to a sponsor. We don't have to cajole and coddle their ego. If your mentees have to remain small in order for you to feel great, you may not be a sponsor/mentor. If the success of your mentees angers you and you plant obstacles in their way because their success would bruise your ego, check yourself. If your mentoring is to create dependency so that your mentees can always circle to you, you may need to recheck your title. You have to ask yourself if you are tutoring mentees with your stories and success or taunting them with the same. Something like "Look at this car; your graduate assistant salary cannot buy it." is neither mentoring nor sponsorship for people just starting there careers.
You can't tell people of possibilities and make yourself obstacles towards the actualization. You can either be a platform or a door; either let someone be able to tie their success genuinely to you or move out of their way. The sponsor holds the door to see you have a smooth ride. They give you platforms to live out your dream and potential. We may have constantly asked ourselves, am I tutoring or torturing? Also, we have to delineate between eccentricities and peculiarities, weakness and wickedness.
If no one mentors you, mentor yourself. It seems to me from my lived experience that you are the best investor in your own life. If no one sponsors you, sponsor yourself. At some point, God, the universe, and ancestors may bring someone into your life who makes more difference than you imagine. My life speaks to the last point. No one was professionally isolated like I was during my early career days in Nigeria. There was this woman who would come then to one of the places I once worked and gather everyone together but me and call them her girls. But today I am so thankful I was not one of her girls. The creator, the universe, and my ancestors have helped me so much that if anyone walks away, I have the strength Maami Ololade (rest well) and Florence Ajokeade (your memory is blessed) were known for to move ahead if God wills.
Today, I want to thank people who have been allies to me in the past five years. Many of them did not know me ten years ago, but in a way that they did not know, their acts of kindness, letters, and nominations opened doors for me, some doors I could not walk through, but I am grateful that without knowing much of my story, they were kind to me. Even though I don't want to do roll call so that I don't miss out on the name of anyone. But in the last 6-7 years, a scholar I will not fail to always acknowledge, Professor Saheed Aderinto (PSA), and many amazing scholars within and outside of my current institutional affiliation have nurtured my inquiries and made me a far more rigorous thinker. That which is good in my work is theirs; egregious errors and interpretive excesses are mine.
However, these people would not have been able to do all they do without my late parents, Pa. Remilekun Johnson Popoola and Prophetess (Mrs.) E.A. Ololade Popoola (nee Abimbola), and sister-mum Florence Ajokeade Johnson-Solomon (a.k.a. Iya Olamide, Oyinbo Odo Oro), who are examples of love and courage. These are people whose confidence in the possibilities in me made room for present gains and many greater blessings to come.
Specifically, one man I would forever adore, my father, Pa. Remilekun Johnson Popoola. I am proud to call you my father and carry your name till the end of time. Dad gave me confidence and built my esteem. He taught me, without meaning to, about assets. He is one of the reasons I bought an acre of land before I was 27 years old, which can no longer be accounted for because someone took it from me without labeling it stealing. He allowed me to follow him around and made me speak in rooms my mates would not enter.
My greatest intellectual debt and gratitude is to my mother; many women give birth to children and don't raise them. Many are murderers instead of mothers. for this woman until her last breath, she did not cast away her seed. I have privately told people in my circle that my mother would have lived longer if she did not "over sponsor," that is, accept that she was a limited resource. For us, her children, she knew her limits. When I asked her for something she didn’t have or didn't want to indulge me with, she could say, I don’t have. If I insist further, she would say, "Oga ni iya Abike, if you don’t praise me, I will praise myself." But for the world, Mum is willing to sacrifice herself so that others can flourish. I hope her life is also a caution to those sponsors currently overextending themselves.
These are just my thoughts. You have to use your discretion as to how well they suit your needs.
Mentors and sponsors can provide opportunities, but it is ultimately your responsibility to navigate them. When people sponsor or mentor me, it always seems to me, based on how I was nurtured, that their name, credibility, and investment are on the line if I don’t walk worthy of the accolade and things invested in me. It is a self-imposed burden that is both a blessing and a burden.
I will admit that after nearly a decade of thinking about the two ideas, both defy simplistic definitions and propositions. For many reasons, I stop, start, and stall about making this post. Also, my title is nothing but the title. You can't hire a sponsor. They are priceless, and you can never repay their labor, and you can't fire a mentor because they seldom apply to you.
If the cistern of your mentoring stops flowing because someone abused it, I pray you heal.
If you're a mentee that was tormented by a so-called mentor, I pray God, the universe, or whatever you believe, pours his balm on your wound.
If you are a mentee that is presently dominated by someone that was once a mentor or sponsor, if you subscribe to the Judeo-Christian faith, I encourage you to delve into a similar narrative of a good relationship gone sour in the hope that with discretion you might find crumbs, clues, or inspiration for your situation.
These resources may be helpful to you, but read them with your own discretion and context in mind.
To my women out there, cis, trans, and all of the adjectives and prefixes that we use, I understand and see our similarities despite our differences. I offer you this list in the spirit of Bell hooks, sisterhood, solidarity, and support.
Because generosity becomes mutual collaboration through reciprocity, I will want to know about books or resources that have been helpful to you.
Happy International Women's Day!
